And as a result, I listened to the preacher teach a lesson on blasphemy of the Holy Ghost.
From that night onward, I had compulsive thoughts run through my head about blasphemy. I couldn't control them. The more I tried, the worse it got. Blasphemous phrases ran through my head against the Holy Ghost.
That incident alone was reason enough to regret ever going to church!
I feared that I was damned -- and I was only 12 years old!
A 12 year old child shouldn't be worrying about whether or not he is damned eternally because he can't beat back compulsive blasphemous thoughts!
You can't ask for help. You're too ashamed. Besides, you think to yourself that seeking forgiveness is too late.
I wavered often, between whether god would forgive me and understand my circumstances, or whether my sin was permanently place upon my soul. Not even the blood of Jesus could wash away that stain.
Eventually, I just held firm that god would understand. I had no other choice. The only other alternative in my mind at that time was to accept damnation. But, that didn't make sense; I loved god and I wanted to be a Christian. I wanted to be filled with and guided by the Holy Ghost.
Jesus meant everything to me. How could he possibly condemn me for something I couldn't stop on my own.
I decided that my problem was sort of like a thorn in my flesh.
Those are difficult concepts for a 12 year old to deal with all alone.
In my high school years, I heard a preacher give an anecdote about a man who feared he committed blasphemy. The anxiety became so strong for this fellow that he went behind his house with a gun and prepared to shoot himself.
Yeah, it can get that bad worrying about your soul.
Are you worried about blasphemy?
Life is way too short for that sort of drama.
If you're worried about it, then you have not done it! Compulsive thoughts and ruminations are a sign of serious anxiety. If you stop worry about blasphemy, then blasphemy will stop haunting you.
And if you stop worrying about the object of your blasphemy, the fear of hell will stop haunting you, too.
I don't know why I'm even writing all of this. I guess I just had to get this off of my chest.