So . . . How Do You Feel About God?

So . . . if you happened to have read my recent post A Storm is Brewing, then you might consider this post to be part two.

My mother-in-law and wife have a mother-daughter talk over the phone. I can only hear my wife's side of the conversation. And I hear something like:

I just don't like going to church . . . I dunno . . . I just don't feel comfortable there. I mean, I give you Mother's day, Christmas, Easter . . . I just can't come every Sunday. I just don't feel comfortable there . . . . No, no . . . it's nothing that anybody has done . . . No, I don't want to go to that church either . . . I know this is important to you and this is an important part of your life but I'm just not like you in that way . . .

Uh-oh.

Later, my wife told me what prompted her end of the conversation. Her mother asked her, "So, how do you feel about God?"

My wife totally went into politician mode on her and evaded the question by discussing a slightly different, but related topic. She just talked about not liking church.

So . . . the MIL is making her rounds. She asked her grandson . . . then next she's asked her own daughter. Now, I think my daughter and I are next on her list.

I guess I had better plan what I'm going to say. And I better hope my daughter doesn't out us from the closet.

Wits' End

About a month ago (from this post), my daughter plainly and flatly told her older cousin that we simply don't believe in god in our household.

At first, I got rather worried, but then I came to the realization that her cousin (my niece) probably won't make a stink of it. And so far-- she hasn't.

However, that incident forced the question of whether remaining a closeted atheist has any real benefit.

Summer vacation began and my kids started spending their days at my mom's house. The kids surprised my wife and me one evening by telling us that my mother was trying to make them memorize bible versus.

Now, we're strongly considering putting them in a secular summer program. But, something like that will be hard to find in Jesusland and we don't have tons of cash to spend on summer camp.

The question of whether remaining a closeted atheist comes up again. My wife becomes a bit flustered about having to hide what we really feel; I worry about how sick my seventy-four year old mother will become if we told her. I worry about how our relationship could fall apart just near the end of her life.

Then, both my mother and mother-in-law start really putting social pressure on us to come to church-- at least for Father's day. We didn't make Mother's day . . . my mother-in-law was quite cross. There was no gift, gesture, or convenience that made up for our missing church. Her daughters skipped church to cook her an amazing meal to eat after church service. She almost didn't come over to enjoy it out of disappointment at our absence from service.

And again-- we wonder if staying in the closet is even worth it.


I grow tired of the default expectation that everyone is a Christian. I grow tired of people compelling us to participate in an activity that-- for me-- feels like a waste of time.

I don't want to make other people stop being a Christian-- I just want them to stop trying to make me into one. Ah . . . but there's the problem. The very nature of being a Christian for many believers, is to faithfully spread the Gospel. These ideas are not mutually exclusive and poses a difficult problem for those who want to simply be left alone.

I'm at my wits' end.

Baby Steps

In my previous post, I discussed my recent feelings about whether I should remain in the closet or not about my atheism.

A day needs to come where keeping my dirty little secret no longer feels necessary.

Again, I'm not doing anything radical at the moment. But here's my first baby step towards coming out to the real world.

See . . . I never dropped my membership from the denominations with which I am still affiliated. I grew up being part of the Missionary Baptist Church but converted to Apostolic Pentecostalism at 18 years old. I never formally cut ties with the Baptist church when I moved. My last years as a Christian were spent being part of the Church of God based in Cleveland, TN. But, I never formally cut ties with the Apostolic Faith Church, either.

So, for my first baby step, I wrote a letter to the Church of God state office in my area and formally withdrew my membership. Below is a copy of the letter I wrote. I have edited out any personal information because at this time, I am not yet ready to share those details online:

XXXXXX COG State Office

XXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXX

To whom it may concern,

Please accept this letter as my formal request to withdraw my membership from the Church of God organization headquartered in Cleveland, TN. At the time that I joined this denomination, I was attending XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

My personal beliefs concerning God, Salvation, and the Bible are no longer fully aligned with all of the statements of faith held by the Church of God organization.

No one has done anything to drive me away from XXXXXXX or from the Church of God organization as a whole. I do not harbor any animosity towards anyone in the organization and everyone at XXXXXXXXXX was very kind and caring towards me and my family during my membership. My decision to withdraw my membership solely rests upon the personal changes in my faith when compared to the doctrines of the Church of God.

I realize that this letter will not be pleasing to receive, but ultimately I must be honest concerning the conflicts between your articles of faith and my current personal beliefs. Therefore, I hereby tender my withdrawal of membership and I wish you good fortune in all your endeavors as a church and organization.

Respectfully yours,

XXXXXXXXXXX

I know that this letter isn't radical. But this was a very big step for me. I didn't just ask to withdraw my membership. I let them know that I don't agree with their doctrine any longer. Although, I didn't say way or how.

And I think that may be the crux of the whole issue between the religious and the non-religious.

I shouldn't have to explain. And I won't. If someone from the church calls, I will simply say that my private beliefs have changed. It's honestly not the business of anyone else what I believe about God and why. My right as a human being, as an adult, and as United States citizen is to have my own private opinion about God and exercise that belief to my liking.

Well . . . assuming I'm not harming others, being cruel to animals or destroying the property of others, that is.

Anyhow . . .

That is my First Amendment right -- just as the members of other religions may enjoy this right, too.

I hope to one day write the other two denominations a very similar letter. But, my ties with the Church of God were much weaker and shorter lived. I'm not making too many waves writing a letter to them.

I need to grow up a bit more before writing to the other two denominations. I hope to develop the strength in time.

I'm proud of my little baby step. Even if it is only a small one.

My Niece is in a Cult (Update)

We called our niece's mom. She doesn't know the number to the pastor or to the church.

Many of the members, including the pastor, live in the same house. But they try to keep the address undisclosed.

I'm hoping that some city ordinance is in place for a church to have official standing in a town or city. With that in mind, I'm going to see if the city knows about this congregation. I'm also curious if their church appears in the phone book. If the city thinks something odd is happening, then it's certainly time to rattle some cages and make some noise about this issue.

I might end up coming out of the closet over this. I won't make any hasty decisions about that just yet. But, we just can't stand around and allow our niece to be sucked in without a fight.

--

On a side note, I've been playing around with my comment engine. My comments are supposedly importing. If you don't see any of your past comments no need to panic-- yet.

My Niece is in a Cult

I have a niece on my wife's side that came out as a lesbian.

A few weeks later, her deadbeat parents handed her over to live with her older cousin who is the paster of a really small congregation.

Funny thing is, people used to speculate that he was gay years ago. Though he's married now, we hear that he doesn't even sleep in the same bed as his wife.

Actually, our niece tells us that she sleeps in the same room with the pastor's (her cousin's) wife. The pastor sleeps in different room all to himself.

My wife called her niece today wanting to give her a gift. But she couldn't give us a time where she would meet us.

She didn't want us to come to her pastor's house where she lives. She didn't want us to meet her in some public place somewhere.

It looks like we'll have to crash one of their church services to see her, apparently.

The goal of this pastor is to "de-gay" her. That was the whole purpose of her parents sending her to this church in the first place.

But my niece was perfectly fine before they came along. She seemed happy and was living out her life. She was making friends, had a girlfriend, and seemed brave about her sexuality.

Now she's in this bizarre stupor and acts very submissive. She has not friends and is cut off from the every day world.

My wife and I are making plans to confront the pastor. Not in a belligerent way, though. We just want to raise some concerns and find out why our niece is behaving in such an odd manner. Why can't our own niece tell us a time that we can meet her to give her a card with a little money in it?! That's all we wanted to do. Why is that so hard?

Why do people treat homosexuality as though it is some evil? People do more evil trying to eradicate homosexuality from people's lives as opposed to letting people simply be themselves.

I believe homosexuality threatens the modern Church because accepting it implies the Bible is wrong. To admit that homosexuality should be regarded as normal means that the Bible is wrong or God made a mistake.

Or that maybe God made people gay on purpose even though the Bible calls homosexuality an abomination. And if the Bible doesn't say this, a great number of Christians certainly think that the Bible says this.

People don't realize that if a baby boy is born and has a high level of estrogen, he can squirt breast milk out of his nipple. On occasion, single fathers have lactated in the extended absence of the mother of their new born child.

Hormones control so much of what we become. Our genes do as well.

That's just the way biology is.

And now my lesbian niece is sleeping in the same room with a heterosexual woman, trying to rid herself of homosexual desires while her so called pastor might be entertaining his own possible homosexual tenancies with his homosexual assistant pastor behind closed doors.

And they call this holiness?

No. This is madness!

Not that she is lesbian or that her pastor is gay-- that's not what makes this maddening. But the madness comes because they run and hide from who they truly are. They lie to themselves and make their lives miserable in an attempt to be something the were not meant to be-- heterosexual. Nothing is wrong with them being gay. Absolutely nothing.

My niece is wrapped up in a cult.

I hope we can rescue her before it's too late.

Dodging Bullets

Nope, nobody has been shooting at me or anything.

At least, not with real bullets.

I was sleeping-in this past weekend. My kids know the drill. My oldest son clambers onto the kitchen counter and grabs a bowl for himself and his little sister. He fixes two heaping bowls of cheerios for themselves while ol' daddy-O catches up on some Zs.

Mommy's out at the gym.

My kids know how to get to Cartoon Network, Dress Up Who, and Noggin.com. They know how to find their favorite TV shows on our Roku box.

They'll be fine.

Yet, I still wake up with a start after hearing the doorbell. Nobody was expected to visit. Who the hell is at the door?!

My kids get antsy and want to know who's outside.

I try to pretend that nobody is home and hope whoever it is will go away. But the kids have given away the fact that people are home.

It's my mother-in-law.

I like my mother-in-law. I do-- honest. She's not bad, overall. We had a rocky start, but we've long sense cleared that up.

My mother-in-law had left something at our house and wanted to grab it since she was in the neighborhood.

I was really, really wishing this would be more of a "grab-n-go" sort of thing. We established that my wife had accidentally taken what my mother-in-law was looking for with her to the gym. So at that point, I was hoping she would leave.

But nope. She didn't. Rather, she took advantage of the fact that now I'm her captive audience of one and proceeded to preach to me.

Not in a mean, ugly, nasty way. She's not like that with me.

But she started probing deeper than I would have liked.

She asked me a really hard question. She asked me "why".

Why did I stop going to church? Why did I lose my connection with God? Why?

What happened to cause me to lose my fervor?

She told me she could take anything I had to say. She urged me not to worry. She'll understand.

She asked me if someone hurt my feelings at church. She asked if she said something to offend me. She asked me if I saw some injustice that caused me to turn away from church. She asked me if I felt neglected by the ministers.

She expects that I have some grievance with church and church life. She thinks that I'm bitter about something someone said or did. Or maybe I've just become slightly confused about the truth of God's word. She seems to think that if I would just share my hurts and frustrations I would come around because God would give her the words to help comfort me and encourage me to return to church.

She asked if my wife (her daughter) was keeping me from going to church. My wife has openly voiced her disdain towards church with her mom (but not towards God. Those are two very different things, here).

None of the things that my mother-in-law expects is the issue at all.

"Tell me. You can tell me, son", she urged.

I can't. Not now. Maybe in time (not!).

She was persistent, but I managed to dodge the bullet.

I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up, though.

I know she can handle me confessing to an array of things that keep many people from church. But I'm almost certain she'd be floored if I told her I have become an atheist. I simply have come to doubt god's existence. As a result, the church life has lost it's importance to me as an individual.

I bet I'd leave her speechless, until she tells my mom.

And that thought brings a lump to my throat.

Money, Money, Money

I went to church again this past Sunday. (Yeah, what's up with that?!) This time, we went to a Missionary Baptist Church as opposed to a Pentecostal Church. My roots are in the Missionary Baptist church, so I was quite familiar with the scene. The visit brought back a lot of memories.

You can be sure that since I went to church, my mom was involved. But the choice of venue was my wife's influence.

While my wife maintains she doesn't agree with the Bible, she still finds comfort in the atmosphere of church. She enjoys the sense of community and belonging. A pleasant church visit can conjure nostalgia.

At least, until the misogynistic rhetoric starts up. Then, she's ready to go home

And on the way home, she puzzles over why she even bothered to darken the doorway of church once again.

We were first time visitors with this congregation; I enjoyed the anonymity very much. No sense of obligation.

Funny that the pastor decided to preach about stewardship that Sunday morning.

Overall, the sermon wasn't bad. He was very entertaining and witty. He didn't yell at us like some preachers do. But he was adamant that the congregation gave feedback-- preferably in the form of amen and that's right preacher, now ya talking!

So, I was actually enjoying everything. I wasn't even arguing against the preacher in my head. I was being a good little church mouse.

Until he said . . .

The Bible contains more versus pertaining to money than versus which pertain to salvation.

WTF?!

He made this statement in an attempt to support his teachings about tithes and offerings-- and of giving in general.

He was attempting to say that God really, really cares about money. God takes his money seriously. And you're in serious trouble if you don't pay God what you owe him.

The pastor argued that the Bible speaks so much about money because so few people worship God over their wallets. He claimed that the Bible needs to spend a lot of words warning people against transforming money into an idol god. This is why the verses about money outnumber the verses about salvation.

I haven't verified his statement about money being mentioned more than salvation. But if this is true, I personally find that fact disturbing.

No wonder people argue about how to be saved! The Biblical authors spent more words ensuring they were properly paid!

But this giving that the pastor preached about goes way beyond money. You have to give not only your money but your time. Your children. Your best.


Your soul.


"No man can server to masters", he preached. "You will either love one and hate the other. You can not serve God and mammon (money)".


When I was a believer, I would earnestly call Jesus my master. But now that I've lost my faith, I sometimes wonder if the church is simply about the business of making us all slaves.

Incredible God

Irony can be cruel.

That's why I struggled with writing this post. I don't want to come across as cynical, insensitive, or mean. Maybe I won't be able to help doing that no matter how I say this.

Here goes . . .

I went to church again this past Mother's Day; my mom asked me to go with her as a Mother's Day gift. How could I say, no?

During service, the choir sang a song that was totally new to me entitled Incredible God. A beautiful song, I admit. The atmosphere in the sanctuary became electric as the choir graciously and passionately sang praises to God.

As for me, I was a spectator. And while sitting there in my pew, I wondered if they noticed the irony within their words of worship.

The word incredible primarily has two connotations:

Astonishing, amazing, awesome, miraculous, and wonderful

or

Implausible to the point of disbelief, far fetched, and unsubstantial

I know they meant to express that God is amazing and his character is awesome. His miracles are incredible in the sense that they are wonderful. His Divine Nature is unsurpassed. In this sense, all that he does is incredible.

You know . . . believable by faith, while still being amazing and wondrous.

That's the kind of incredible they meant.

Without saying, the choir certainly didn't mean that God was incredible in the sense that the case for God seemed flimsy, unsubstantiated, or far fetched in their opinion.

Soon the song was finished. Then the sermon came and went. And finally, the service came to a close.

People began to pour out of the sanctuary as the congregation disbursed. As I began to shuffle my way out of the sanctuary like everyone else, I noticed a man slumped over in a corner, breathing laboriously. Ushers had surrounded him and were trying to keep him responsive by rubbing his chest and talking in his ear. This scene went largely unnoticed by the congregants as they left the sanctuary.

An ambulance had already been hailed and eventually came to take him away to the hospital.

I don't know his condition, but I certainly wish(ed) him well. I really, really hope he is okay.

But during all of this, I couldn't help but wonder . . . where's that incredible God everybody was singing about earlier? Was this whole scene unnoticed by God, too?

At that point, I couldn't help but think to myself that God is incredible after all.

The Easter Beagle

Religious faith cannot seem to spread without a human being sharing it.

People must be the hands, eyes, ears, feet of and voice of God.

But people cannot always be trusted, yet we must discern whether or not their religious message is truth. To trust the religious message, we have to trust that the person is telling us the truth.

While watching the cartoon special It's The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown, I noticed a little quip about this sentiment.

Linus is known earlier to have unfounded faith in the Great Pumpkin during Halloween. Linus converts his persistent admirer Sally into a believer-- that is until she miss out on "trick-or-treats" because of the failed promise concerning the Great Pumpkin appearance.

Now, Linus is at it again-- this time about the Easter Beagle.

Linus declares to Sally that the Easter Beagle never disappoints.

Sally quips back at Linus, "I'm not afraid of disappointment from the Easter Beagle. But I am afraid of disappointment from you".

Thus my new found hesitation towards religion. Maybe God never disappoints. Yet, perhaps his followers (inadvertently or on purpose) will.

I also noticed another interesting irony--

The Easter Beagle did arrive in the form of Snoopy after all-- seemingly vindicating Linus' faith. The Easter Beagle gave eggs out to all the Peanuts (save poor ol' Chuck. He never catches a break).

Now, Snoopy had acquired the eggs by sneaking behind Lucy and stealing them as she hid them in preparation for the gang's Easter egg hunt.

Thus, the Easter Beagle's unexpected appearance made almost everyone a believer.

Except Lucy, though. She knew what was up. When the Beagle gave her an egg she lamented, "Some Easter Beagle! He gave me my own egg!!"

Why I Still Can't Bring Myself to Believe Again

Much was brewing in my head, but I had no time to pour it out.

But now the time has come.

A frequent commenter here at this blog, Tandi, recommended reading an article: Why I believe again.

Tandi is a Christian who holds on to her faith. She also hopes that perhaps one day I will consider returning to the faith. Despite our present differences, I have high respect for her and I can understand her desire to win back the apostates of Christianity.

And since I have respect for her, I try to follow up on her reading recommendations.

So, I read the article that she suggested.

I will expound upon my feelings concerning the article in a "round about" and verbose way.

I wanted to keep it short, but I just don't know how. I was dreaming when I wrote this, so sue me if . . .

Ah, never mind.

If it helps, read my post in small chunks or parts.

Or I suppose you'd save more time by not reading my post at all, huh?

Um, let's not go there.

Well if you do stick around, I will start with an event that happened a week ago from this post.

I went to church Easter Sunday. Yeah, me. I went to church. Really.

Don't get too excited, though. I did it for my mom. My brother usually drops her off at church on Sundays but lately he is, er . . . incapacitated. So, I took my mom and my kids. My wife went the previous Sunday with my mom, so she refused to visit church this Sunday-- and forget about it being Easter.

Gee, Easter could have even been part of the reason for why she didn't want to go to church.

All in all, I guess it was finally my turn.

The church visit wasn't what I had expected; why, Church was actually quite pleasant!

I didn't realize that I had missed all the familiar faces. I also had to acknowledge that I missed worship and praise (just a little). The running around, the jumping and the hollering of praise at the top of one's lungs! Spontaneously running laps around the sanctuary-- people trying to keep a lid on their exuberance, yet they can't help themselves.

What a rush! I remembered when I was like that.

And the singing was beautiful. I was reminded of songs that I used to love and cherish.

I even sang along with some of the songs.

At service, we sang a favorite hymn of mine: Because He Lives. In the past, I was so convinced when I sang that song . . .

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.
Because He lives, all fear is gone.
Because I know, He holds the future.
And life is worth the living just because He lives.

But this time when I sang along, I wasn't so sure.

And I wasn't so sure when the preacher kept repeating himself while trying to retell the Resurrection story. He was trying to give the Gospel accounts more life, but his message to me fell quite flat.

Sitting through the sermon was the worst of it. So, that is to say the church visit wasn't all that bad. I can forgive a bad sermon. I've sat through plenty in my life. One more would not hurt.

When it was all over, I walked away wondering why I had a nice time. Maybe it was time to go back to church again. Maybe turning to atheism was too rash of a decision.

Decision? Can belief (non-belief) be a decision?

Anyways . . .

I thought hard about my Easter Sunday experience for the next few days.

I reflected on how I could have ran around and jumped up and down like everyone else did. I felt that same energy I felt as though I was still a believer. But I didn't participate because I know that in my heart I didn't believe as I once did; I didn't want to be sacrilegious. To express that kind of praise and spirit-filled exuberance while still holding on to an atheistic mindset would be something of a mockery to their worship experience. I didn't want to do that out of respect.

And, I didn't want anyone to think that I had made new commitments to church again.

That realization reaffirmed that I was only a spectator.

I also noticed something else. I only enjoyed church because it was a welcomed distraction from the uncertainties I'm currently dealing with in my life. The running, the shouting, the songs of certainty all causes one to feel better.

I found myself thinking of my church visit in the context of the daunting personal problems which have recently started staring me in the face.

Life springs up fortune and misfortune. Blessings and catastrophe. Opportunity and famine. Life and death.

So then, certainty and uncertainty becomes the backdrop in which I reflect on my church visit. I noticed how in church, Christ is certain to have been raised from the dead, he is certain to return for his church, and his followers are certain to rise again through the same resurrection power of Christ-- unless while living they should look skyward and witness his return upon the clouds.

I am certain of death. I've seen it. I've seen my loved ones go the way of all the earth. I slowly and reluctantly trod the same path of my father and uncles while drawn by the same inexorable pull. I see my mother closer and closer to death, daily. She, following her husband. Me following my mom with my wife by my side. And our kids are not too far behind. We all are shackled together while being pulled to the grave-- like a line of inmates chained together so as to prevent any escape from incarceration.

Yes, I'm certain of death. But, I remain uncertain about what will happen to me after I die. Let alone, what will happen to me (and other loved ones) while I (and they) still live.

And now, I am beginning to think that religion is simply an anesthetic for the guaranteed pain and uncertainty of a life that must end in death.

In and of itself, using religion as an anesthetic is fine. But if that's the case, religion isn't the only worthwhile brand of anesthetic available in life. And I've come to terms with accepting the fact that life is indeed uncertain, fragile, volatile, and defined in the context of certain death.

Somehow though, I personally feel that I am better informed and more self aware after acknowledging that this life might be all that I get. I can stare back at the face of life and respect it-- daunting problems and all.

So when I read the online article in the New Statesman, the author seemed only to say that belief in Christ answers all uncertainty and is therefore the truth. The whole of life is best enjoyed when one believes in a creator and is therefore the truth.

I disagree on both points. Christ does not answer all of my uncertainties. He answers all questions, but I am not convinced of his answers. So, such answers are of no help to me personally.

And I find that I enjoy music, arts, and the nighttime sky perhaps more now than as a past theist. I love my favorite music and enjoy it all the more because I don't feel condemnation for listening to it any longer! (if it wasn't gospel music, it was ungodly in my former belief system. And sometimes certain gospel songs weren't even holy enough!). And for me, not knowing how the universe began and how the stars fell in place makes the nighttime view more magical to me. How fascinating that we may exist only because matter was simply doing it's thing! A billion-to-one chance out of billions upon billions of planets!

I also don't look down on creation as I once did as a believer. This is not to say all believers had this perspective. But, I know that I certainly did once. I looked at the world as the sinful leftovers of a fallen universe because Adam, Eve (Lilith?), and the serpent introduced iniquity into existence.

I see now that this universe may very well be all we have. We had better cherish it and enjoy it. Trusting in a next life, I found myself severely restricting myself in what could probably be the only life I will get to have. That is the mistake that I was personally making. I can only speak for myself and of my own Christian experiences.

Your millage may vary.

Some people do not want to face this uncertainty. And I suspect religion numbs this painful, unpredictable embrace between life and death.

That's fine with me. Nothing is ignoble or backwards about being attracted to religion for this reason. Just don't force your beliefs on others*. Share your beliefs-- but don't force them.

* Among those who have commented on my blog so far, I am not accusing anyone of this. I'm only trying to underscore my overall gripe towards fundamentalism of any sort.

Religion is a better anesthetic than hurting others and hurting oneself. But when it comes to dealing with life's uncertainties, being hurtful isn't the only option to practicing religion.

As for me, I numb the pain with enjoying my life while I can, assigning purpose to my life, loving my family, and doing the best I can to leave something behind for my kids.

I also numb the pain with coffee abuse, blogging, and good reading.

That "laughter stuff" is a good antiseptic, too. A very occasional drink helps me out. A fun movie. Even the routine drudgery of work. No matter how much I complain, I do like my job.

And there are some other things that I won't mention here. You know. I don't wanna be accused of TMI and all that.

So at this point in my life, I still can't bring myself to believe again. Religion doesn't help me with my uncertainties because I'm still uncertain about what the ancient religious texts assert.

In light of all this, I'd rather just face the uncertainties of life head on. Even death.

But I do appreciate reading the article in the New Statesman. While I do not agree with the author, I still respect his point of view.

Belief works for him. Non-belief works for me.

Perhaps my feelings about his article could be summed up as simple as that.

Train Up a Child

I often wonder what to do about my kids. I want to teach them what I've now learned about the Bible. I want to teach them not to take the Bible so literally.

But at the same time, I do not want to forbid them the opportunity to believe in God if they want to do so. Nor do I want to forbid that they explore church. But, I want them to know up front what I know. I want church and the Bible to have the burden of proof in their minds, rather than they grow up believing in God, church, and Bible unquestioningly. I don't want them to assume that clergy and the Bible in particular are the ultimate authority on all things.

But being in the closet makes this very difficult. My mother and my mother-in-law both pump my oldest son with teachings about God. Yet, this only fills him with questions that I have trouble answering without giving away my non-belief. My daughter is very young -- that's primarily why I don't mention her as much as my son. But, she is going to a Christian based daycare. She gets bombarded, too.

I don't want to totally intervene and plainly tell them God is no different from Santa Clause. Who knows. One day, I may change my own mind about that. However, I don't want them to blindly obey a scripture text without knowing something about what archeology and history revel concerning any given scripture text.

Also, I know my son will start to leak my non-Christian views to my two "moms" and blow my cover should I start plainly sharing my views.

So, what should I do?

I feel like a coward sometimes by avoiding many of my son's questions. I feel selfish, too. I feel selfish for not telling my children what I think is best for them in a plain, outright fashion-- all because I don't want people to know that I've changed.

Yet, I also feel selfish for wanting to curb their developing faith in God. I want them to be their own persons and decide for themselves. But, I want them to posses the information that I have learned as they make their personal decisions about God.

Funny how the Bible says to train up a child and they will not depart from the path that you teach them. My mother did this with me; it didn't turn out so well thus far. And I secretly hope that fundamentalist Christianity doesn't work for my children, either.

So, what should I do as they grow up?

I suppose all I can do is teach my kids to think for themselves. Let them learn the Bible, but let them learn the faculties of reason and skepticism, too.

Otherwise, I 'm at a loss as to what to do.

Church Tradition

And he said unto them, Full well ye reject the commandment of God, that ye may keep your own tradition . . . Making the word of God of none effect through your tradition, which ye have delivered: and many such like things do ye.

Mark 7:9 and 7:13

I've realized over these past few years that a disconnect exists between religious beliefs and actual written scripture. I've come to realize that churches simply pass down their religious doctrine to the next generation and mainly study from the passages that reinforce their traditions.

Ironic that Jesus himself makes this same complaint against Jewish leaders within the New Testament text. Yet, generally, Christians do not heed this warning.

If they did, they'd be in for a treat . . . or a shock.

Here are some common misconceptions that I grew up with due to Church tradition, but are not compatible with scripture:

Sunday is the Sabbath day for Christians

Tithing is required from the Church (Keeping parts of the Law)

Marriage to a new spouse is acceptable among Christians after divorcing the original Christan spouse

Nothing is wrong with Christians taking other Christians to court to settle a legal dispute

Woman are equal to Men in Church (Most don't want to own up to this sexism. But if you take many passages that speak of women being subject to men literally, can you really make an exception?)

The Lord's Supper consisted of crackers and grape juice

The Bible was a complete unit during the early Christians lives (I never would have admitted this verbally, but time had to go by before I could grasp the fact that scripture went through a canonization process where both Jewish and Christian leaders argued over which books would be included. This process happened for Judaism around 3 or 4 B.C. by many sources. For Christians, this happened around the 2nd century or so. That's 200 years after Jesus was crucified!)

The United States is a Christian Nation (First, the Bible doesn't even mention the United States! Next, the Constitution Separates Church and State. Before you disagree with me, read the First Amendment and Article Six of the Constitution. Many Christians want the United States to be a Christian nation because Israel is known as a Jewish nation and God did such a good job of protecting them because of it -- Israel being conquered by the Babylonians, the Romans, the Jews suffering during the Holocaust and the present day military conflicts make great examples of God's wonderful protection! The United States needs God's protection, too! So lets be a Christian nation just like Israel is a Jewish nation! Please!)

I could think of other examples, but I'll stop here. These traditions contradict scripture, but Christians do not want to surrender these ideas for various reasons.

Well, I only have one computer but my immediate family and extended family is waiting in line to use the PC.

I need my own laptop!!

The Unforgivable Sin

Growing up, I was one of those kids that not only behaved well in church -- I listened well, too.

And as a result, I listened to the preacher teach a lesson on blasphemy of the Holy Ghost.

WHAT-A-MIND-JOB!!!

From that night onward, I had compulsive thoughts run through my head about blasphemy. I couldn't control them. The more I tried, the worse it got. Blasphemous phrases ran through my head against the Holy Ghost.

That incident alone was reason enough to regret ever going to church!

I feared that I was damned -- and I was only 12 years old!

A 12 year old child shouldn't be worrying about whether or not he is damned eternally because he can't beat back compulsive blasphemous thoughts!

You can't ask for help. You're too ashamed. Besides, you think to yourself that seeking forgiveness is too late.

I wavered often, between whether god would forgive me and understand my circumstances, or whether my sin was permanently place upon my soul. Not even the blood of Jesus could wash away that stain.

Eventually, I just held firm that god would understand. I had no other choice. The only other alternative in my mind at that time was to accept damnation. But, that didn't make sense; I loved god and I wanted to be a Christian. I wanted to be filled with and guided by the Holy Ghost.

Jesus meant everything to me. How could he possibly condemn me for something I couldn't stop on my own.

I decided that my problem was sort of like a thorn in my flesh.

Those are difficult concepts for a 12 year old to deal with all alone.

In my high school years, I heard a preacher give an anecdote about a man who feared he committed blasphemy. The anxiety became so strong for this fellow that he went behind his house with a gun and prepared to shoot himself.

Yeah, it can get that bad worrying about your soul.

Are you worried about blasphemy?

Don't.

Life is way too short for that sort of drama.

If you're worried about it, then you have not done it! Compulsive thoughts and ruminations are a sign of serious anxiety. If you stop worry about blasphemy, then blasphemy will stop haunting you.

And if you stop worrying about the object of your blasphemy, the fear of hell will stop haunting you, too.

I don't know why I'm even writing all of this. I guess I just had to get this off of my chest.

*Whew*

Happy New Year!!!

Remember ever wondering if back in 1999 that Y2K was going to be the end?
Ever hear some of the preachers saying that the apocalypse was going to unfold in 2000?

Some preachers were even telling their members to buy property with water on it because everything was going back to the stone age -- the time of tribulation was at hand!

I was still a devout Christian back then. I went to church on New Years Eve of 2000 because I was convinced that church was the safest place to be just in case Y2K was the end.

Never mind that the other side of the planet had already celebrated Y2K many hours before we would here in the U.S. and nothing seemed to happened to them!

Anyway, our pastor always "prophesied" that things would only get worse and more people were going to die than the previous year. He seemed to do this on any New Years Eve church service. I guess he did it to calm down all the jubilation people expressed when the clock hit midnight. Yes, the church service would go way past midnight. We wanted to be in god's presence when the New Year began. Service wouldn't let out until 3:00 AM many times. They would even serve breakfast afterward -- not for free, though.

And particularly with Y2K, once we all breathed a sigh of relief that a mass computer crash didn't usher in Armageddon, people went into a celebratory frenzy -- Pentecostal style!

But our pastor still managed to work in his "prophesy" of the same bad news that he gave years before.

Wow! What a killjoy! What an awful way to bring in any new year!

But now I say, lets party like it's 1999 everybody! Especially since we've made it all the way to 2009!

Looks like Y2K didn't kill us after all, huh?

Whoot! Whoot!

Is the Vatican trying to rehabilitate Galileo, or the Image of the Church?

The Vatican wants to express to the world that their treatment of Galileo Galilei was in error. The Vatican also wants to create the image that they are not only tolerant of science and new ideas -- but that a bridge exists between reason and religion. The Church wants to express that the two concepts of faith and reason are compatible. The Vatican implies that Galileo Galilei embodies this compatibility because he was a man of faith and science.

In my opinion, the tribute that Pope Benedict XVI recently paid to Galileo doesn't prove the church is any more tolerant of reason than in the past. Nor does the Pope's extended hand to Galileo help bridge reason and religion.

Why not?

Galileo's discovery was observable and logical. However, because his findings defied the tenants of faith, Galileo was punished. The Vatican has taken 400 years to officially admit this mistake. Do you really think much has changed?

Also, think of all the modern day feats of science and logic that many religious faiths continue to reject because of religious tenants:

Contraception
Stem Cell Research
Secularization of Culture
Separation of Church and State
Acceptance of Homosexuality
And the most notable Theory of Evolution

Lets not even talk about the current exploration in the Big Bang, String Theory, Dark Matter, and Dark Energy!

These concepts I just mentioned above make up the modern day version of Galileo's expressing that the sun was the center of our solar system and that the earth was a round object caught in the sun's orbit. What he observed in nature opposed what the bible inferred and what Church tradition accepted by faith.

Many faiths remain intolerant of reason and the path to which free thinking leads.

Thus, the Pope's words change nothing.

This is why you won't find a true bridge between faith and reason. The paths of faith and reason do not lead into the direction of the each other.

Read the news story, here: Vatican rehabilitating Galileo

Dependency

I was thumbing a book titled The Ideas That Made the Modern World. As I looked over the introduction, a summation of the Enlightenment caught my eye:

Thus science shatters the systems of theology and metaphysics. But it is not just the victory of scientific knowledge as such, but the scientific method and mindset, which routes the old and obfuscatory orthodoxies. Indeed it is also a question of attitude that is the key here, as indicated by Immanuel Kant in his celebrated essay, What Is Enlightenment? "Enlightenment," he wrote, "is man's emergence from his self-imposed immaturity. Immaturity is the inability to use one's understanding without guidance from another. This immaturity is self-imposed when its cause lies not in lack of understanding, but in lack of resolve and courage to use it without guidance from another. Sapere Aude! 'Have courage to use your own understanding!' that is the motto of enlightenment."

When freethinking is absent, one must be dependent upon others for an understanding of reality concerning social, religious, or political issues. This sense of autonomy and responsibility created the fruits of the Enlightenment -- political revolutions, explosions in science and technology, and miraculous advances in medicine.

This concept made me think of when a well meaning minister told of how a church member was depended upon her too much. She would call her at the worst times in need of emotional comfort. The church member seemed to struggle with a nervous condition -- on the edge of paranoia or anxiety disorder. One evening, the church member called at an inopportune time; the minister was extremely drowsy from taking medication in addition to simply being sleepy from a long day. The minister even tried to warn the church member that she wasn't really in the condition to talk, but she didn't want to disappoint. After all, this person was depending on her.

The minister stated that though she tried her best to stay awake on the phone, she woke up to:

Minister! Minister! What do you mean they're going to get me in the morning?!

The minister never received another call from that member again.

Holding the minister to such a high standard was unfair, in my opinion. But, the member couldn't resolve her own problems herself. While we all find ourselves needing help and guidance from others, she seemed to be in a situation where medication could be in order. But, she will not pursue such an avenue because she has been trained to think that God and the clergy can fix all these problems in her life. She is depended on the establishment that runs her religious faith because free thought is highly discouraged by overt and subtle methods in many churches.

She can't think for herself. She's on a leash so tight that she can't even pursue adequate help.

But that's what the Enlightenment did -- it cut the leash of dependency with the razor of free thought.

Good Riddance!

Relative to this blog post, I recently admitted that I sometimes miss God.

But far more often I say to myself, "Good riddance"!

I'll never miss getting up in the morning to get dressed and go to church. What a demoralizing process that was! If you can't fit your monkey suit, people call you fat at church. If you're late, people say you don't try hard enough. If you haven't been to church in a while and you're trying to get back into the habit, people ridicule you for staying away so long.

And in my world, church wasn't just on Sundays. Even sinners go to church "on Sundays". But saints of God went to church every night of the week! Prayer service, Missionary Service, Bible Study, Youth Service, Evangelistic Service, Choir Rehearsal, Sunday School, Sunday Morning Service, Sunday evening prayer, and then Sunday Evening Service.

*Whew*

And that's just your reasonable service!

Then you've got tithes and offerings -- 10% of your gross income plus a free will offering.

Building fund pledges . . .
Bake sales, hotplate sales . . .
Sowing seeds to the Man of God . . .

I was so broke!

I was behind in my bills and I was in deep debt. I was borrowing money from my relatives to pay my tithes!

I didn't get out of debt until I stopped paying my tithes!!!

That window of Heaven never opened up for me to pour out great blessings.

So, I had to open my own window . . . to climb out and escape!

Then, there was confessionals to the pastor and the risk of being excommunicated or "dis-fellowshiped" if you crossed the line too many times with breaking church rules and morality.

And the constant emotional beat downs . . . wow!

You'll never be good enough to serve God.
You can never truly please God.
God isn't pleased with us.
We can never do enough for God.
We're not ready for heaven yet.

Geez . . . if I'm not ready for heaven with all this stuff I'm doing . . . how will I ever be?!

Why am I doing all this if I can't get to heaven like this? What is all that "grace" stuff for, anyhow?

This fear is agonizing. Tears steam down your face and you beg God to have mercy on you.

Only God and the preacher know for sure what your status is concerning heaven. And neither of them seem to ever let you know if you're doing things right.

But they can be crystal clear when you're doing things wrong. That's seems to be 99.9% of the time.

I don't miss any of that one little bit.

Good riddance!!!

Truth Seekers

Ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.

John 8:32

Many Christians say they believe in truth. People who fervently adhere to doctrine are often said to "love truth".

However, real truth often gets overlooked in the Christian world.

The abuse by ministers often gets swept under the rug. The victim is simply told that the abuser should be forgiven and the matter dropped . . . Many times, the issue is never addressed at all.

Why? Because, God's "truth" must prevail.

What is to be said about God's truth when it contradicts the reality you know?

What happens when you realize the earth has to be billions of years old? Much older than what they Bible claims.

What happens when you realize the stars and planets in the sky are millions of miles away and no heavenly throne is found in the sky?

What happens when you realize the stars cannot fall to the ground like figs?

What happens when you realize ministers from all faiths everywhere ignore and even hide abuse, though they claim the church is a place of safety and refuge?

What happens when you realize life is most probably forged through the process of evolution and that life is most probably scattered throughout this vast universe? Even if we never find other life, chances are good that within the billions of stars and planetary systems life similar to ours might exist.

What happens when your realize God's "word" is nothing more than the collective writings of mere men?

What happens?

You break free.

Jesus was right about one thing. The truth shall make you free.

Soon and Very Soon . . .

What if another century goes by and Jesus never returns?

What about another millennium?

Two?

What if during that time, a cure for cancer is found? What if cloning technology allows us to make genetic material from scratch and clone humans? What if we eventually map out DNA in all life and then discover how to turn off the aging and "death" signal to our cells? What if mankind eventually achieves immortality?

What if our conscience could be uploaded from our minds and one day downloaded into a new clone of ourselves -- allowing us to not only live forever but also move forward into time?

Okay, that last one might sound far out.

But think about it. What if Jesus never comes?

I know what some nearby Christian is thinking, "What if he does come? Then you'll burn in hell!"

When I read comments like these from Christians on message boards across the Internet, I get the feeling that they relish the idea of non-Christians burning in hell for eternity.

This eagerness and enjoyment sounds sick, vengeful, and evil to me. If you can't wait to see me burn in hell, then you should wonder whether or not you're saved.

Ah, I digress.

Growing up in church, we often sang a song:

Soon and very soon, we are going to see the king.
Soon and very soon, we are going to see the king.
Soon and very soon, we are going to see the king.
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! We are going to see the king.

And after converting to Pentecostalism, we were bombarded with the idea of Jesus coming at any moment.

Could that moment happen right now while I'm writing this?

Could that moment happen right now while you're reading this?

Has Jesus come and gone already and I didn't even get to finis . . .

People have been waiting for Jesus for a long time. Some argue that the disciples expected Jesus to come in their lifetimes. And since Jesus obviously hasn't . . . well . . . I guess that would be the end.

In the Pentecostal church I once attended, people felt certain that Jesus would come in our lifetime. That was back when I was a teenager. Well, sure it's still my lifetime. But, people didn't think the pastor of that generation would fall ill and die after reaching just over eighty years of age. People thought he was too close to God and too important of a spiritual leader for him to die before Jesus would come.

I've read a saying that circulates on the Internet among other skeptics:

Today's Religion is Tomorrow's Mythology

How long until Christianity becomes commonly known as mythology in the United States?
Not very soon, I'm afraid -- especially since Jesus' 2000 year delay is still considered soon.

The Tight Rope Act

How many people truly believe in god?

Polls say that among the US Population, 10% of the country is non-religious. Of that 10%, only 3% will label themselves as atheist.

But of the other 90% . . . do they really believe in god? Really?
I know they make the mental ascent. But, do they believe to the point of action?

When I was much younger and a fervent believer, I heard a neat little anecdote:

Crowds gathered at the Grand Canyon to see the great spectacle of a man who had wired a tight rope across the great expanse. He fearlessly and skillfully cross the rope, drawing awe and thunderous applauds from the fixated audience. He could traverse from one side to the other, effortlessly and skillfully. The people that continually gathered were utterly amazed.

When everyone thought they had seen the height of his performance, he wowed them even further.

He produced a wheelbarrow and nimbly drove the one-wheeled vehicle across to the other side of the canyon along the treacherous tight rope. He turned around and came back with the same ease.

He then faced the amazed crowd and cried, "how many think I can do it again?!" The crowd roared with excitement and cheered him on to another performance. He took his wheelbarrow and pushed it along the tight rope again -- turned around and came back without once seeming to loosing his balance.

Upon his return, he looked out at the crowd and exclaimed, "And now, I will load my wheelbarrow with bricks and carry them across! Can I do it? Will I make it?! Who believes?"

The crowed hushed with amazement as he loaded bricks into his wheelbarrow. After he stacked the bricks high, he started his journey. As effortless as before, he transported the cargo across the abysmal canyon without losing a single brick to the abyss below.

The crowed greeted him with ecstatic praise as he returned from the other side, every brick still in place inside the wheelbarrow.

He motioned with his hands to calm the crowd. After a few moments, he regained their attention. They now eagerly waited to hear his about his next performance stunt.

"You've seen me cross the canyon effortlessly", he cried. "You've seen me take a wheelbarrow across just the same. I've even taken bricks and filled my wheelbarrow and did not lose a single one! Now, for my next act! Who will volunteer and let me carry you across the Grand Canyon as a passenger in my wheelbarrow?"

At this, the crowed gasped and murmured. The man attempted to convince anyone he could from the audience to step out into his wheelbarrow. But before too long, the man was accompanied only by his wheelbarrow.

That anecdote was about contrasting true Christan faith with lip-service. If you truly had faith, you'd get inside the wheelbarrow. For faith was not just the mental ascent to an idea -- but the following through of it's implications.

Why do so many Christians refuse to follow through with the implications of their own beliefs?

With an angry God starring down at you and with the blood of a gentle Jesus upon your hands, why don't you follow his commands?

I'm not talking about omitting the "sin nature" and "nobody's perfect" clause; I'm including that into the equation.

Even considering that issue, why do so many Christians refuse to follow through with the implications of their own beliefs?

For example:

If Jesus fulfilled the law and has freed us from following the letter of the Law of the Jewish people, why do so many Christians churches demand tithes? (You know, that 'Paul' guy in the New Testament . . . he talked about being free from the Law a whole bunch).

If Islam is about peace, why do so many ex-Muslims fear for their lives when they leave the faith?

Why do so many Jews follow the writing of Rabbis when the Old Testament is clear that God's law is all they need? Why all the extra commentary and tradition heaped on top?

Why do hate groups in the US tend to default to a pseudo Christian faith? Maybe they recognize the inequities in the scriptures and truly want to follow through on them. Maybe they are the true believers in Christianity? (Ouch!)

But should these type of things be said . . . the believers of their various faiths get offended.

I don't think they really want to get into the wheelbarrow because deep down inside, they don't really want to take that trip across the Grand Canyon.

But they are happy just standing there, cheering on the mythical man who can effortlessly keep going across.

I think more than 3% of us are atheist.

I think more are atheist than any of us are willing to admit, I'm afraid.